Halloween 2012...yes, I know it's February

Because I think it's important to re-enlist myself in this blog, I'm going to backtrack just a bit.
We'll start with Halloween. As usual, we scheduled a quick photo session with our awesome photographer(Fabulous Occasions). We always struggle with the Halloween shoot because Kellen is usually fighting with his costume (put a headpiece on him and he goes limp, but a mask on him and he rips it off...), so I went into it expecting great pictures of Larkin and maybe a streak of Kellen.
As usual...she delivered.

 And then he came over with her...and we got this gem.

And this...

And then he sat. Looked at the camera. Smiled. And we got a picture that I will love forever.

It's the normal moments that get me. In all the chaos, all the worry, the times where I actually manage to get what any mother of two preschoolers could hope for...that normalcy...it means everything to me.

Larkin trick-or-treated with her daddy again like a champ. Kellen went to bed happy, and I manned the driveway candy handout again. As I sat there in the driveway (at the end of October), my dream was that maybe we could teach Kellen to say (anything) "trick or treat" by next October...and that he could go, too. As I sit here in February...I am confident that we will actually get to do this...I'm getting goosebumps just typing that. This is why it's important to backtrack where we've been...because we've made it further...and we have a long and promising road ahead.

My Constant

Leave it to me to pull in a Lost reference at a time like this...

When things go bad, when a single pulled thread starts unraveling your carefully laid plans, when a phone call turns your world upside down, who do you run to? Do you have to think about it? Do you wonder who to call, do you have to consider who you want in your corner for a fight?

There is no thought process for me...it's Patrick. That's who I call, that's who I run to, that's the person I can fall apart in front of...the person who will put me back together. He is my sanity, my strength, my constant.

You know those couples with the "perfect lives" who just somehow got bored with each other and fell out of love, sought out excitement elsewhere, forgot why they were together, etc? I joked recently that we don't have to worry about that! Life has a tendency to throw us one difficult situation after another...and it just makes us stronger.

Difficult times bring out different things in different people. Stress can cause couples to fight, to distance themselves, to seek happiness elsewhere. We've had a lot of practice in difficult times (infertility was like boot camp for autism apparently)...and every time we have run straight for each other and held on for dear life. It is us against the world...and it always will be.

We make a pretty good team. Patrick is logical, rational, strategic..until he has to kick some ass and then watch out. I pretty much start out trying to kick everyone's ass before the logic kicks in...I'm all emotion first. So the two of us are perfectly balanced...and together, we are strong, we are brilliant, and there's nothing we wouldn't do for our little family.

I'll be back at blogging now...I need the therapy...lol! And I'll catch you up as to what's been happening (which those of you on Facebook know). Suffice to say, I got one of those stomach-flipping calls. And while we're still in the thick of figuring it all out, what I can tell you is that we will be ok.

I've apparently lost it enough that I'm quoting Ke$ha lyrics, but it sums up my feelings perfectly.
"I don't wanna think about what's gonna be after this, I wanna just live right now."

After a particularly stressful couple of days where we realized that we were going to have to dramatically change our plans with Kellen, Patrick took me dancing. Because we needed an escape, because we hadn't been in forever, because he wanted us to remember happy, because he knows me like no one else.

So no matter what happens in this life, I always know who I'll call, who I'll run to, who I want in my corner for a fight. And I wish the same for all of you.

Mom Survivor: Day 7 and 8 (Did you think I didn't make it?)

Well I sure left you hanging there huh? Sorry about that. I think the last two days of Patrick being gone were so stressful that I didn't want to recount it LOL! But let me at least finish what I started.

We basically hit survival mode on Friday. I managed to get everyone out of the house in one piece and get myself to work. Although when I got there, I just wanted to turn right around and go home. Work sucked....just a CRAP day all around for so many reasons! The one good point is that I managed to get my proposal in on time, I'm still not entirely sure how I pulled that off. Everyone at work seemed to be struggling with something, and my emotional bank was overdrawn so I was no help in lifting anyone's spirits!

To top it off, the weather was miserable on the way home, but the kids thoroughly enjoyed being drenched!

Kellen enjoying the weather at E's house!

I was thankful to get home with my rugrats, and I was looking forward to my parents coming in late Friday night.  

Patrick meanwhile was roaming the streets of Paris on his trek home! He didn't get to see a whole lot since it was dark, but he went to the mandatory places and then they were back in their hotel (right next to the airport). I said goodnight to him and then waited for my parents. What a relief to have reinforcements. Of course the kids were already in bed, but just having back-ups was enough reassurance.

I COULD NOT sleep that night. I knew that Patrick's flight was set to take off at 10am Paris time, so I never slept. I had gotten a text that they were headed to the airport, but I needed to see that little plane on the flight tracker LEAVE France and start heading to Texas : ) I waited a bit and thought he must be at his gate ready to go, so I called him. I also knew that Houston weather was predicted to be TERRIBLE that day, so I wasn't at all surprised when he said...

"Honey, we're getting in at 6pm instead of 2pm."

I of course thought it was the weather already causing problems, but then he said "We missed our flight."

"WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????"

Apparently they were dropped off at the wrong terminal, the train took too long, and then they missed the 1hr international flight cutoff by minutes. This has only reaffirmed my general dislike of France.

There's only one direct flight to Houston a day, but apparently the United people were helpful and got them on a flight to Chicago with a connection to Houston...thus the change from 2pm to 6pm arrival. Let me just say that there was much stress and much nagging about not missing the connection, etc. I just wanted him home more than I could possibly express, and a weather delay I could have handled much better than something as stupid as being dropped off at the wrong terminal. I blame the shuttle driver, but still, neurotic as I am, had I been there, I would have known it was the wrong terminal (right ladies?).

So finally they're on the plane and it's taking off (only about an hour after the original flight was to depart), so I'm still up (it's like 4am at this point I believe) waiting for the little plane to start moving across the ocean on my flight tracker on my Iphone...and waiting....and waiting...and waiting....

Notice this says 10am Eastern...9am central...I still haven't slept...because I'm waiting on this plane to MOVE!!!!!!!!!! The rain in Houston started about the time I started panicking that the plane wasn't moving (around 5am). Larkin came in my bedroom shortly after that...neither of us slept. We got up, had breakfast, ran errands...plane still not moving.

So it's at this point that you start wondering. If the plane is lost, what does the little flight tracker do? If it crashes, it's not like they put little flames on the plane so you know, right? Do they not realize that I've noticed that the plane is STILL sitting in the hellhole that is the Paris airport? My fears range from a ground delay in Paris to the irrational fear that the plane has gone down...

I was in the checkout line at Hobby Lobby when it finally moved (and was somewhere over Canada). I thought about sitting down right there and going to sleep. It was still pouring in Houston though...so even though they were going to make it in to Chicago, there were no guarantees that they'd get off the ground again headed to Houston.

I trudged through my day which included 7 miles on a treadmill (see Houston weather radar above!). I was so happy to hear when Patrick landed in Chicago. I'd been tracking his second plane and knew it was on time, but I wouldn't believe it until it took off. And it did...

And it flew through some terrible weather...which made me 91% worried and 9% that turbulence is what you get for missing your flight!

I got myself all dressed up to stand in the humid Houston weather and wait for him at baggage claim. I also confess that I parked in the garage...and then got so frazzled that I couldn't find my way to baggage claim...so then I went back to my car before I lost the car, paid $2 for stupidity, and then got in the car line outside baggage claim like everyone else! I swear it was PTSD. The last time I parked my car in that garage, I was also lost, but that was the time that I landed here in Houston only for Patrick to tell me that Larkin had broken her leg...so I wandered the parking garage crying and panicking until some sweet lady helped me figure out where I was. Anyway, so I should have known better than try that garage again!

But after all of that...there he was. Safe and sound. Me and the kids in one (happy, healthy) piece.

I survived...and turns out it wasn't so bad after all. ; )

Mom Survivor: Day 6

If yesterday was the point where exhaustion set in, today was the point where depression set in. I woke up sad. Kids were terrific, and I of course put on my happy face and sent them all on their way. Made a run through Starbucks thinking I was just tired. Traffic sucked, and then I remembered that when I uploaded everything onto my new iPhone, that I uploaded ALL of my music, too (not just specific playlists). So I plugged it in and thought I'd sing my way happily to work.

Instead I sang myself into missing Patrick terribly LOL! Music has such power to take you back to a specific place, a specific time, a life event. I'm constantly mentally bookmarking lyrics that resonate with me (which I mention on this blog often). My iPhone seemed to have a hidden agenda this morning playing Chantal Kreviazuk, Fiona Apple, Anna Nalick, 10,000 Maniacs, and of course...Sarah McLachlan. It's her first CD that was probably my favorite album during the first days of me and Patrick. Having been together for over 16 years, we have a lot of "songs", but I daresay our first one was "Possession" on Sarah's first album. It started playing right as I was turning into my parking garage that morning, and I found myself waiting in the car until it ended. And as I gathered my things to begin a day of work, there it hit me...loneliness. I have been so engrossed in keeping everything, everyone running, making sure nothing slipped through the cracks, that I really hadn't had much time for myself. But there it was, I missed him, and I think I finally let myself miss him to the point where there was a heaviness on my heart the rest of the day.

I waded my way through the work day which was full of many little annoyances and frustration, and by the time I left, I really felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin! I was trying as hard as I could to keep my patience with the kids. I managed to pick them up, get them home, feed them, and then pack us all back up to go to soccer practice. I tried my best to keep Kellen happy in the car while we watched Larkin at practice. He was somewhat entertained when I let him come sit in the front seat, but he wanted to press every button on the console and get his hands on the steering wheel, and I saw him becoming more and more agitated. When Larkin decided she had to potty right before practice ended, I just had her hop in the car so we could take off...and then there it was.

The Epic Meltdown I knew was inevitable this week. I managed to get Larkin in the car and Kellen buckled in (fighting him to do it) and then he screamed at the top of his lungs and cried his little heart out all the way home. Larkin is back there making shushing noises, I'm in the front seat trying desperately not to burst into tears myself. I think we're all exhausted, we all miss Patrick, and we just need a little help...

...and I am ever so thankful that help was parked right in front of our house when we got home. Annie was there, we'd planned for her to come over so I could run and we could have a quick dinner. It was SO what we all needed. I was able to spend time getting Kellen calmed, bathed, and into bed while Larkin felt like she was getting a special treat (and lots of attention) by having Annie to entertain her : ) Kellen was asleep within minutes, I bathed Larkin quickly, and Annie read to her while I dashed to the gym to hit the treadmill.

As an aside, the best part of Annie being there was that as we were walking to the front door Annie said "Hey Kellen", and he turned around and looked up directly into her face...twice! This is becoming so "normal" for him that it gives me chills!

Needless to say, I had a lot of stress to run off, and I think I ran too fast because then my stupid Achilles/heel started hurting....ugh!
I came back feeling mostly better though, both kids were asleep. We made some pizza, and Annie assessed the photo quality of my new iPhone...

And as we were finishing up dinner, my phone rings! It's Patrick! At 4AM France time! He said he got woken up by drunk people out on the street singing when they were leaving the clubs, so he thought he'd try to catch me to say goodnight. After the crappy day I'd had, that was just what I needed! I managed to get a semi-decent night's sleep, and willed myself to pull it all together one more day!

Mom Survivor: Day 5

As we move into Day 5, I'd say the busy and stressful week starts to catch up with us.

I do have one injury report (so far) this week. Kellen went to bed with one of Larkin's plastic headbands the other night, and woke up with this lovely scratch on his face the next morning. Needless to say, I'm slathering on the Neosporin, but it's doing better (it looks worse than it is...that's what I keep telling myself).

Wednesday also marked one of my parent trainings at Kellen's school. I really enjoy these, and I'm always entertained by other people's impressions of our rambunctious sneaky little man. Earlier in the month, they mentioned they were continuing to modify their initial assessments (the data they collected the first 1-2 weeks) because he "didn't show them everything he could do". I was completely thrilled to hear them say yesterday that "He is SO smart, he completely played all of us the first few weeks." Basically they assessed him thinking there were things he "couldn't do" and come to find out (NO shock to me) they were actually things he was perfectly capable of and just "wouldn't do". I've always wondered where the line is between traits of autism and traits of flat out stubbornness. Anyway, it was good to hear that he continues to surprise us all and gives us so much hope for the future!

Because of the parent training, it was also my work at home day. I'm in the middle of a proposal that is driving me a little nuts (because I waited until the last minute of course), and as further confirmation of my lost mind, this is how I prepared my lunch...

Yes, that's one of the kids' paper plates. The best part is I had already made the sandwich on the plate when I thought "oooh, I should put some hummus in the ears! Wait...ears?"

I decided we were all starting to unravel a little so I stopped and picked up some ice cream for the kids before making the rounds to pick up the actual kids, I also found a little treat for myself...I guess my mind was on France.

Little Brie! Only 70 calories of creamy goodness!

Happy to pick up her brother

mmmm, ice cream...the key to successful utensil utilization

Even with the ice cream treat, everyone was just extra grouchy and seemed overly tired, this was really the first night that Kellen had been extra agitated, he's been overly happy the rest of the week. Although Larkin did manage to give me a good laugh on yet more "picture interpretation" when she was looking at my maternity portraits in our bedroom and said "Mama, that's the picture when I was in your belly and you tried to put on your clothes but they didn't fit!"

The highlight of my night came at the end of the day. Patrick was trying to catch the kids on Facetime one more time before he went to bed, but due the general grouchiness referenced above, they were already in bed. So we ended up Facetiming just us. Talked about completely random things, made inappropriate jokes, stayed on the phone way too long. It was nice to actually get to talk to each other without chasing around kids with the phone/iPad, etc. I was so happy to see him and talk to him, but I think that happiness is what led to my general dismal mood on Day 6.

Mom Survivor: Day 4

So things started to pick up a little on Tuesday. I know some of you are reading going "Great, you've got it under control, this is boring!" LOL! I think I'm chronicling this first time on our own so that 1) I can remind myself that I can do this when the next trip comes around and 2) so that Patrick knows that we really are ok and that I'm not just putting on a smile and pretending. I can see on the Blogger stats that my blog has been read in Spain and France, so he's watching ; )

Day 4 was complicated by the fact that Larkin had a dermatologist appt down near the Med Center. She has a rash that we've been fighting since about April/May, so it was time to get a specialist's opinion. The appt meant that we would drop off Kellen at E's house (the wonderful woman and autism mama that watches my sweet boy before and after school) and then Larkin would be my research assistant for the day again.

She actually did really well, entertained herself mostly, drew all over my white board again of course. Ran into many people I've known for many years to which we heard the usual "she looks just like you...but she's so tall". About mid-day we took off to the dermatologist.

Larkin found this awesome book in the waiting room about ladybugs. If you look at the picture in the bottom right corner, you'll see the one that Larkin said was "a mama ladybug carrying a baby ladybug on her back!"....it was more like "a ladybug on her way to becoming a mama ladybug...or maybe just a slutty ladybug, I don't know her personally".

The next page had a picture of a really gross spider starting to eat a ladybug...which Larkin also interpreted as the ladybug eating the spider...apparently that is one slutty badass ladybug.

Thankfully the appt went quickly. I LOVED this dr, so if you're in need of a recommendation, send me a message and I'll pass on her info. She's a pediatric dermatologist, and I specifically asked her if she felt equipped to handle autistic children and she said yes. Turns out Larkin has contact dermatitis...and get this...we think she's allergic to the toilet seat! The rash is on the back of her thighs, and the dr. said she's been seeing this with increasing frequency, usually due to either cleaning products or sealants they are using on the newer toilet seats. We're probably going to have some patch testing done in a few months to see what it is specifically we need to avoid...such a toxic world we live in though! Ugh!

Playing around in the doctor's office.

The afternoon went well, Larkin entertained us a decent amount, and I managed to get a nice amount of work done. We packed up for the day, and headed over to get a very happy Kellen. When we got home, I had to be honest with myself...I had everything under control...dishes done, laundry put away, even put the trash out...but...

...the stupid aquarium was undoubtedly CLOUDY!

Luckily, Patrick called to Facetime right about then and talked me through a water change (and where the dechlorinator was). I also found the fish that we "lost" last week...who knows what misfortune befell him, but I had to fish him out of the aerator...blech. We said nice things while we flushed him though.

Kids went to bed, I did more work, watched more Revenge and at some point fell asleep on the couch. The cats were in on it because they were all snuggled in with me when I woke up at almost 2am...needless to say, another not so great night's sleep. It definitely catches up to me (to all of us I think) on Day 5...

Mom Survivor: Day 3

Day 3 marked the start of the week...and my attempt to get us all up, dressed, and out of the house with everything we need...oh wait, that's really not a change from a normal Monday...except that I have one less to keep track of with Patrick not here ; )

What can I say, everything went smoothly! Kids were mostly agreeable, I managed to get Larkin to school with all of her dance class stuff, got Kellen to his spot with all of his stuff, and I only managed to forget my lunch...oh well, can't win em all!

The day was superbusy at work, and I was ridiculously exhausted. Thankfully I had been alerted to the death of our office Keurig machine ahead of time so I made a run through Starbucks on the way in (I know, life is hard...).

All day I was continuously greeted by things like "How are you doing on your own?" which was generally followed up by "You look tired"...
I couldn't be offended...I did look tired...because I was FREAKING tired from not sleeping well.
Turns out that Sunday night into Monday morning I had super realistic dreams, nothing too scary, just unusual. I was dreaming of the dogs...of Tristan and Skylar. It was so vivid that I could feel their fur in my hands when I woke up. There was many a time when cooking that you couldn't take 2 steps in the kitchen without running into a huge wall of Great Dane...I "felt" that in my dream...way too real, but not scary...just unnerving I guess is the best way to describe it. And to dream both of them? Well, it just stuck with me all day. I laughingly told Patrick that morning that I think the dogs had come back to keep an eye on me...

We got to talk to Patrick on Skype again, and the kids were hilarious. I swear that Kellen said "dada" at least twice while looking at Patrick! Either way he smiled at him, laughed at him, and both kids proceeded to bounce all over the bed like crazy people. Thankfully there were no injuries to report.

Anyway, even though I'd had a horrible night's sleep Sunday night, I decided that I desperately needed to catch up on work, so as soon as the kids were down, I sat myself down with my laptop for a good 3.5 hours and got an awful lot done. I thought I'd sufficiently tired myself out, so I rewarded my hard work by taking a cup of tea upstairs and watching an episode of Revenge on the iPad...which turned into 2 episodes and me not getting to sleep until past midnight...another bad night's sleep...ugh.

Day 4 will include Larkin's dermatologist appt...which also means she goes to work with me...good thing I got ahead the night of Day 3!