I know it’s somewhat frowned upon to talk to yourself, but
what’s the over/under on writing a letter to yourself? Still crazy? Don’t
answer that.
Hey you. Yes, you. Self. I need to tell you a few things. I
need to write a few things down for you so that maybe on the days when rational
thought is fleeting you’ll remember these words. Because you’re a visual
learner, and I know that because well… I’m you.
1. Slow down. I mean it. You spend so much time
freaking out about how long things are taking (hello dramatic handwaving in the
car at the person in front of you taking too long to make a right turn), how
fast your to do list is growing, how there’s no way you’ll ever get everything
done. You’re missing things. You’re missing moments that seem like nothing, but
if you let them in, they will add up to a whole lot later on. Another of Larkin’s
10 minute stories, another of Kellen’s daredevil moves, another of Patrick’s
random “we should …” ideas. This is your life. It’s
the only one you’re going to have, and you’re damn lucky to have it. So stop
thinking about all of things that haven’t happened, that you think need to
happen, and start looking around at the amazing things happening right now.
2. Ask for help dumbass. Now here I’m going to give
you a gold star for today. You asked for help TWICE. And guess what happened?
Someone helped you! You spend so much time worrying about everyone else, and
you need to stop it and realize that people want to help. That good people are
out there, and they’re just waiting for a chance to jump in where they can, to
make just a tiny piece of life a little bit easier. Why is it so hard for you
to ask for help? I know you think that this is your burden to carry and that
you don’t want to ask for special treatment. It’s not, idiot. It’s doing what’s
best for the kids, for Patrick, for you. It’s okay to ask the receptionist for
a safe place for Kellen away from the other kids in the waiting room. It’s best
for Kellen, it’s best for you, and guess what, it’s best for the other people
in the waiting room, too! It’s okay to ask another mom to take Larkin
someplace. You could have just said no, sorry, we can’t do that because Daddy
is at work late today. You could have tried to take her with Kellen and made
all three of you miserable (and I still would have hoped you’d given yourself
credit for trying). But you made the right call. You asked someone to help, and
they were more than happy to take Larkin (THANK YOU! You know who you are!!). And
that moment tonight at the dinner table…when Larkin looked at you and gave you
the most genuine “thank you” you’d seen in a long while. THAT. That is why you
put your pride on a shelf and you get out of your little box and you just ask
for help. Because while I know in your deluded brain you think that maybe you
really can do it all (and more so that you HAVE to do it all), the reality is
that you can’t do it all ALL of the TIME.
3. It’ll be okay. I’ll be honest, I’m trying to be
encouraging, but I still have a lot of feelings about that one. But here’s the
thing. I know that when all hell is breaking loose inside (and thus outside) of
Kellen that seconds feel like hours. That you see him, hear him, feel him filled
with rage, sorrow, frustration, whatever it is in that moment, and that you completely
and utterly break inside. I can’t fix that. No one can fix that. But you can
try to shift your perspective in that moment just a little…baby steps. I know
that those moments feel like forever, that you feel like surely this is the
time he puts his head through the car window, that this is the time that it
just doesn’t stop. But it does. It will. The rage and the tears will end. And
he will come back to you. He always does. And if you stay there with him, in
that moment, he will always find his way back to you. I believe that, YOU believe
that with every cell in your body. It may not be okay right that minute, that
hour, that day, but it will be okay again.
4. You are lucky. No, this is not the “autism is a
gift” conversation…duh. This is the “don’t forget where you came from” conversation.
I know that you know this, but you need to know it more often! You need to look
over every morning and remember that though he snores and may drive you nuts on
a regular basis, that there is no more perfect match for you than Patrick. He is in this
with you 100% every single day. He loves you, he loves the kids, he loves this
life, and the bottom line is that he just wishes that you’d spend more moments
being happy than being worried. Jesus, why is that so simple to type yet I can’t
seem to get that through my head? And I know you’re grateful every single day
that you have children at all. I know that. But don’t forget to value just how
great these two are. Larkin is everything you dreamed. When you sat there and
looked at ultrasound pictures, she was what you envisioned. She was who you
mourned with every miscarriage. Your little clone who talked incessantly,
tested your patience, wanted to go places with you, made you so proud. She is
all of that plus so much more. And then you need to see Kellen for who he
really is. When you pictured a son, you saw a mama’s boy who put you on a
pedestal…good Lord woman, do you realize that you truly are his world? Remind yourself
what a gift that is in the first place, and then remind yourself what a gift
that is in the world of autism. He adores you, he has not come close to
reaching his potential, and he needs you to stop freaking worrying about what
he’s not doing and start seeing what he is doing. In his own time, he will keep
surprising you. Let him.
5. Stop comparing. I mean, really, do I actually have
to remind you of this? Measure your successes within your house. Don’t fall
victim to measuring yourself against the perfect Facebook lives. Look around,
and instead of seeing everything that didn’t turn out the way you’d planned,
see the life you’re living… see the love, the laughter, the future. Quit crying
about the unknown, and start living in the now. You couldn’t be surrounded by 3
better human beings. Be present for them. Be better for them. Be happy for them
and for yourself. Leave all the other crap behind.
So yeah, that’s what I have to say to you today. The years
are flying by. Do your best to have fewer regrets at the end of each day. See
more of the good. Suck it up. Stop being afraid. This is your life. Live it.
