Mom Survivor: Day 6

If yesterday was the point where exhaustion set in, today was the point where depression set in. I woke up sad. Kids were terrific, and I of course put on my happy face and sent them all on their way. Made a run through Starbucks thinking I was just tired. Traffic sucked, and then I remembered that when I uploaded everything onto my new iPhone, that I uploaded ALL of my music, too (not just specific playlists). So I plugged it in and thought I'd sing my way happily to work.

Instead I sang myself into missing Patrick terribly LOL! Music has such power to take you back to a specific place, a specific time, a life event. I'm constantly mentally bookmarking lyrics that resonate with me (which I mention on this blog often). My iPhone seemed to have a hidden agenda this morning playing Chantal Kreviazuk, Fiona Apple, Anna Nalick, 10,000 Maniacs, and of course...Sarah McLachlan. It's her first CD that was probably my favorite album during the first days of me and Patrick. Having been together for over 16 years, we have a lot of "songs", but I daresay our first one was "Possession" on Sarah's first album. It started playing right as I was turning into my parking garage that morning, and I found myself waiting in the car until it ended. And as I gathered my things to begin a day of work, there it hit me...loneliness. I have been so engrossed in keeping everything, everyone running, making sure nothing slipped through the cracks, that I really hadn't had much time for myself. But there it was, I missed him, and I think I finally let myself miss him to the point where there was a heaviness on my heart the rest of the day.

I waded my way through the work day which was full of many little annoyances and frustration, and by the time I left, I really felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin! I was trying as hard as I could to keep my patience with the kids. I managed to pick them up, get them home, feed them, and then pack us all back up to go to soccer practice. I tried my best to keep Kellen happy in the car while we watched Larkin at practice. He was somewhat entertained when I let him come sit in the front seat, but he wanted to press every button on the console and get his hands on the steering wheel, and I saw him becoming more and more agitated. When Larkin decided she had to potty right before practice ended, I just had her hop in the car so we could take off...and then there it was.

The Epic Meltdown I knew was inevitable this week. I managed to get Larkin in the car and Kellen buckled in (fighting him to do it) and then he screamed at the top of his lungs and cried his little heart out all the way home. Larkin is back there making shushing noises, I'm in the front seat trying desperately not to burst into tears myself. I think we're all exhausted, we all miss Patrick, and we just need a little help...

...and I am ever so thankful that help was parked right in front of our house when we got home. Annie was there, we'd planned for her to come over so I could run and we could have a quick dinner. It was SO what we all needed. I was able to spend time getting Kellen calmed, bathed, and into bed while Larkin felt like she was getting a special treat (and lots of attention) by having Annie to entertain her : ) Kellen was asleep within minutes, I bathed Larkin quickly, and Annie read to her while I dashed to the gym to hit the treadmill.

As an aside, the best part of Annie being there was that as we were walking to the front door Annie said "Hey Kellen", and he turned around and looked up directly into her face...twice! This is becoming so "normal" for him that it gives me chills!

Needless to say, I had a lot of stress to run off, and I think I ran too fast because then my stupid Achilles/heel started hurting....ugh!
I came back feeling mostly better though, both kids were asleep. We made some pizza, and Annie assessed the photo quality of my new iPhone...

And as we were finishing up dinner, my phone rings! It's Patrick! At 4AM France time! He said he got woken up by drunk people out on the street singing when they were leaving the clubs, so he thought he'd try to catch me to say goodnight. After the crappy day I'd had, that was just what I needed! I managed to get a semi-decent night's sleep, and willed myself to pull it all together one more day!

Mom Survivor: Day 5

As we move into Day 5, I'd say the busy and stressful week starts to catch up with us.

I do have one injury report (so far) this week. Kellen went to bed with one of Larkin's plastic headbands the other night, and woke up with this lovely scratch on his face the next morning. Needless to say, I'm slathering on the Neosporin, but it's doing better (it looks worse than it is...that's what I keep telling myself).

Wednesday also marked one of my parent trainings at Kellen's school. I really enjoy these, and I'm always entertained by other people's impressions of our rambunctious sneaky little man. Earlier in the month, they mentioned they were continuing to modify their initial assessments (the data they collected the first 1-2 weeks) because he "didn't show them everything he could do". I was completely thrilled to hear them say yesterday that "He is SO smart, he completely played all of us the first few weeks." Basically they assessed him thinking there were things he "couldn't do" and come to find out (NO shock to me) they were actually things he was perfectly capable of and just "wouldn't do". I've always wondered where the line is between traits of autism and traits of flat out stubbornness. Anyway, it was good to hear that he continues to surprise us all and gives us so much hope for the future!

Because of the parent training, it was also my work at home day. I'm in the middle of a proposal that is driving me a little nuts (because I waited until the last minute of course), and as further confirmation of my lost mind, this is how I prepared my lunch...

Yes, that's one of the kids' paper plates. The best part is I had already made the sandwich on the plate when I thought "oooh, I should put some hummus in the ears! Wait...ears?"

I decided we were all starting to unravel a little so I stopped and picked up some ice cream for the kids before making the rounds to pick up the actual kids, I also found a little treat for myself...I guess my mind was on France.

Little Brie! Only 70 calories of creamy goodness!

Happy to pick up her brother

mmmm, ice cream...the key to successful utensil utilization

Even with the ice cream treat, everyone was just extra grouchy and seemed overly tired, this was really the first night that Kellen had been extra agitated, he's been overly happy the rest of the week. Although Larkin did manage to give me a good laugh on yet more "picture interpretation" when she was looking at my maternity portraits in our bedroom and said "Mama, that's the picture when I was in your belly and you tried to put on your clothes but they didn't fit!"

The highlight of my night came at the end of the day. Patrick was trying to catch the kids on Facetime one more time before he went to bed, but due the general grouchiness referenced above, they were already in bed. So we ended up Facetiming just us. Talked about completely random things, made inappropriate jokes, stayed on the phone way too long. It was nice to actually get to talk to each other without chasing around kids with the phone/iPad, etc. I was so happy to see him and talk to him, but I think that happiness is what led to my general dismal mood on Day 6.

Mom Survivor: Day 4

So things started to pick up a little on Tuesday. I know some of you are reading going "Great, you've got it under control, this is boring!" LOL! I think I'm chronicling this first time on our own so that 1) I can remind myself that I can do this when the next trip comes around and 2) so that Patrick knows that we really are ok and that I'm not just putting on a smile and pretending. I can see on the Blogger stats that my blog has been read in Spain and France, so he's watching ; )

Day 4 was complicated by the fact that Larkin had a dermatologist appt down near the Med Center. She has a rash that we've been fighting since about April/May, so it was time to get a specialist's opinion. The appt meant that we would drop off Kellen at E's house (the wonderful woman and autism mama that watches my sweet boy before and after school) and then Larkin would be my research assistant for the day again.

She actually did really well, entertained herself mostly, drew all over my white board again of course. Ran into many people I've known for many years to which we heard the usual "she looks just like you...but she's so tall". About mid-day we took off to the dermatologist.

Larkin found this awesome book in the waiting room about ladybugs. If you look at the picture in the bottom right corner, you'll see the one that Larkin said was "a mama ladybug carrying a baby ladybug on her back!"....it was more like "a ladybug on her way to becoming a mama ladybug...or maybe just a slutty ladybug, I don't know her personally".

The next page had a picture of a really gross spider starting to eat a ladybug...which Larkin also interpreted as the ladybug eating the spider...apparently that is one slutty badass ladybug.

Thankfully the appt went quickly. I LOVED this dr, so if you're in need of a recommendation, send me a message and I'll pass on her info. She's a pediatric dermatologist, and I specifically asked her if she felt equipped to handle autistic children and she said yes. Turns out Larkin has contact dermatitis...and get this...we think she's allergic to the toilet seat! The rash is on the back of her thighs, and the dr. said she's been seeing this with increasing frequency, usually due to either cleaning products or sealants they are using on the newer toilet seats. We're probably going to have some patch testing done in a few months to see what it is specifically we need to avoid...such a toxic world we live in though! Ugh!

Playing around in the doctor's office.

The afternoon went well, Larkin entertained us a decent amount, and I managed to get a nice amount of work done. We packed up for the day, and headed over to get a very happy Kellen. When we got home, I had to be honest with myself...I had everything under control...dishes done, laundry put away, even put the trash out...but...

...the stupid aquarium was undoubtedly CLOUDY!

Luckily, Patrick called to Facetime right about then and talked me through a water change (and where the dechlorinator was). I also found the fish that we "lost" last week...who knows what misfortune befell him, but I had to fish him out of the aerator...blech. We said nice things while we flushed him though.

Kids went to bed, I did more work, watched more Revenge and at some point fell asleep on the couch. The cats were in on it because they were all snuggled in with me when I woke up at almost 2am...needless to say, another not so great night's sleep. It definitely catches up to me (to all of us I think) on Day 5...

Mom Survivor: Day 3

Day 3 marked the start of the week...and my attempt to get us all up, dressed, and out of the house with everything we need...oh wait, that's really not a change from a normal Monday...except that I have one less to keep track of with Patrick not here ; )

What can I say, everything went smoothly! Kids were mostly agreeable, I managed to get Larkin to school with all of her dance class stuff, got Kellen to his spot with all of his stuff, and I only managed to forget my lunch...oh well, can't win em all!

The day was superbusy at work, and I was ridiculously exhausted. Thankfully I had been alerted to the death of our office Keurig machine ahead of time so I made a run through Starbucks on the way in (I know, life is hard...).

All day I was continuously greeted by things like "How are you doing on your own?" which was generally followed up by "You look tired"...
I couldn't be offended...I did look tired...because I was FREAKING tired from not sleeping well.
Turns out that Sunday night into Monday morning I had super realistic dreams, nothing too scary, just unusual. I was dreaming of the dogs...of Tristan and Skylar. It was so vivid that I could feel their fur in my hands when I woke up. There was many a time when cooking that you couldn't take 2 steps in the kitchen without running into a huge wall of Great Dane...I "felt" that in my dream...way too real, but not scary...just unnerving I guess is the best way to describe it. And to dream both of them? Well, it just stuck with me all day. I laughingly told Patrick that morning that I think the dogs had come back to keep an eye on me...

We got to talk to Patrick on Skype again, and the kids were hilarious. I swear that Kellen said "dada" at least twice while looking at Patrick! Either way he smiled at him, laughed at him, and both kids proceeded to bounce all over the bed like crazy people. Thankfully there were no injuries to report.

Anyway, even though I'd had a horrible night's sleep Sunday night, I decided that I desperately needed to catch up on work, so as soon as the kids were down, I sat myself down with my laptop for a good 3.5 hours and got an awful lot done. I thought I'd sufficiently tired myself out, so I rewarded my hard work by taking a cup of tea upstairs and watching an episode of Revenge on the iPad...which turned into 2 episodes and me not getting to sleep until past midnight...another bad night's sleep...ugh.

Day 4 will include Larkin's dermatologist appt...which also means she goes to work with me...good thing I got ahead the night of Day 3!

Mom Survivor: Day 2

Apparently the children smell unrest, so everyone was awake before 6:30am. We managed to talk to Patrick briefly as he made his way back the airport to catch his connecting flight to the south of France. The kids woke up happy, had a great breakfast, and came back upstairs to snuggle.

But I knew we still had to deal with the treacherous issue of venturing out for laundry detergent. Sure, I could have wussed out and called a friend or a sitter...but no...I was going to live dangerously. I weighed the options in front of me. HEB? No! Kellen loves the car carts...and when I say love, I mean I'd have to pry his little hands off the wheel and deal with a very enraged 3 year old. Wal-Mart? No...just because I don't like Wal-Mart. Target? Maybe...but he tries to worm his way out of those dual kid carts everytime...and then brilliance struck. Larkin is a "big girl" now, therefore, she does a good job of walking next to the cart rather than riding in it (due more to her size than her age...she comes up to my armpit...do I look like I fit in that cart?). So, my plan was to grab a regular cart, buckle Kellen in the cart, allow Larkin to walk alongside, dash to the laundry aisle for what we need, check out, and then if all went well, I'd reward us with Starbucks (juice for the kids)! I went prepared, I had an almond milk box and cereal in my purse at the ready for the meltdown battle cry...

...but the cry never came. They got in the car happily, drove to the store happily, shopped happily, waited at Starbucks happily...and went back home happily...huh?

My biggest stress that morning stemmed from me trying to make myself remember to disarm the alarm before going, then manage to get us all out the door on the delay to rearm, then get us all back in the door fast enough for me to get to the keypad to disarm again! This security system is exhausting for the peace of mind it's giving us LOL!

We had a fun day! Did our laundry, played tons, everyone ate well. Kellen throughout the day said the following words: ok, up, cheese (for smiling for a picture again), come on, good job, and also counted to 10...with Larkin and I filling in a number here and there and him instead of repeating the number, went on with the next number (I don't know why, but I think that's huge progress!). The kids also played together...a lot...as in Larkin running after him as a "monster" and Kellen doing the goofy giggle and waiting anxiously for her to scare him again. They shared the Ipad, they shared snacks, they did very well together.

We watched the Texans game together, and of all the weekends, Larkin started asking all kinds of questions...."What's a penalty? What's holding? Why is that man's ear bleeding?"  I did the best I could with simple explanations like "That's cheating. The Broncos aren't being very good sports. That man needs a timeout."

The highlight of our day was talking to Patrick. We did a little Skype and then resorted to Facetime when that stopped working. I am not kidding when I say that the new higher resolution Iphone screen is making FaceTime a more rewarding experience for Kellen. We talked to Mom earlier in the day, and he was all kinds of engaged. With Patrick, he gave him TONS of kisses, and even kept turning away being coy and then would turn back to see if he was still there...it was absolutely priceless.

I was so grateful that Patrick got to see us all happy and goofy...because we weren't putting on a show...we really are doing well. I don't know if that will last all week, but so far so good. No complaints here.

As for me, I seem to have gotten sucked into the first season of Revenge...it's available on Netflix in the instant queue. Holy crap, what a guilty pleasure! I wonder if I could finish the whole first season before the season 2 premiere...LOL! I find it highly entertaining!

I leave you with the end of our day. I tried to take a pic of me and Kellen together and just as I snapped, he turned and decided a kiss was better...not to be outdone, Larkin wanted her own kissy face picture...I guess she's practicing for self Facebook portraits as a teenager ; )

Day 3 will continue tomorrow with my attempt to get us all out of the house successfully...with all of our crap...and without forgetting anything...or anyone...or setting off the alarm...or forgetting to set it at all...

Mom Survivor: Day 1

I'm being completely melodramatic, and I know very well that there are millions of people that lead far more stressful, difficult lives and manage to do that very well with way less than we have. We know families struggling with cancer, with loss, with serious financial difficulties, with marital problems, with fertility problems. Let's be truthful...our lives are "easy", and we are grateful for our challenges and our opportunities to work through them together. With that disclaimer out of the way, this week is quite a change of pace for our family.

I've mentioned before that Patrick made a career change over the summer. He's very happy with the change, and we're happy to have him happy...I had only one reservation about this change...the travel. Again, I know there are families that handle SO much more (military families are truly an especially tough breed), but our little family thrives on being together as much as possible. Add in the fact that we both have demanding jobs, plus the kids' busy schedules, plus the obvious autism difficulties...well it takes both of us to make it work well and even then things fall through the cracks.

So this week marks Patrick's first overseas trip...for an entire week...as in a full 7 days. A week where I have too many meetings and deadlines, where Larkin has a dermatologist appt, where I have parent training at Kellen's school, where I'm in my 3rd week of marathon training, and where I just got back from a trip myself the day before.

Patrick's pretty calm about things, I'm the neurotic one (shocker!), but he did seem to be very intent on getting 2 things in line before he left 1) my new IPhone and 2) a home security system. Both of those eventually were successful but not without some stress on the way lol!

Day 1 was a bit of a whirlwind. Larkin had an early soccer game so we left the boys at home so Patrick could pack. I was supposed to run 9 miles that day, too, but I didn't get out the door until almost 10am...it was brutal, so freaking hot and humid! We debated dropping him off at the airport as a family, but he knew all 3 of us would probably end up crying so he spared us that drama and called a cab. At least that way the kids were happy and I was the only one who cried.

I wandered the house aimlessly after he left, then proceeded to make Snickerdoodle chex mix, which makes a mess...and then I remembered my "dishwasher" was on his way across the ocean...crap! The kids were great all evening, although they seemed to be craving extra attention. I realized later in the afternoon we were out of laundry detergent! This is a HUGE problem because 1) I thought I'd stocked us up on all we needed the day before 2) Sunday is the kids' laundry day and they seemed to have worn everything in their closets this week and 3) I'll direct you to why taking Kellen to the grocery store slightly terrifies me, see this post That Mom.

The night was uneventful, kids were great and went to bed with no problem. I found myself staring at the little plane on the flight tracker willing it safely across the ocean. I also manged to successfully arm the security system so that was a bonus for me! Once I heard Patrick had landed safely, I managed a decent night's sleep (on his side of the bed of course).

Stay posted for Day 2 antics!

On First Days, Hope, and Good People

And high up above or down below, When you’re too in love to let it go

But if you never try you’ll never know, Just what you’re worth

Light will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try…to fix you

Fix You, Coldplay

There are some who would say “there’s nothing to fix, they are as they are meant to be, love them for who they are”. I accept my son, fully, wholeheartedly, as he is, but I will not accept any limitations for him. So with that in mind, I will try to “fix him” until the day I die. It’s not about changing him, it’s about allowing him access to his potential. It’s about wanting so badly to know what he knows, see what he sees, love what he loves.

“The School” has been a huge part of my proposed treatment plan for Kellen. After over a year on the wait list, several small miracles occurred that led to him starting this semester, and while he’s the youngest there right now, I honestly don’t think he would have been ready for this a year ago…but now, he is SO ready.

I was extremely anxious, nervous, excited, terrified as the days ticked down to his start date. That morning I could barely function. Of course, I wanted Patrick to document the day. I expected frustration and a series of bad pictures. Meanwhile, Kellen found the process somewhat entertaining.

New Shoes

And then of course, I am the typical mother cleaning my son’s nose. No buggers on the first day!

Tristan: “Can you check my nose while you’re at it?”

And then we went to the door to head out, and I wanted to try to get a “first day picture”…you know the ones that all the other moms get. I was certain that this was going to be another one of those reality checks…another “moment” that autism would steal from me because of course he wouldn’t look at the camera and if he did he wouldn’t smile and…and then…and then he did what he does best…surprised the crap out of us. I knelt down next to him, he looked right at the camera and started smiling like crazy, leading to me crying like crazy.

Dropoff went well…I held it together until we got outside without him…then I went to Target and cried into a Starbucks while buying completely random stuff. I counted the minutes until it was time to go pick him up. I managed to distract myself by watching “Honey”. I seem to think I dance just like Jessica Alba in this movie (you know, the one time a year I go dancing now)…but I’m pretty sure that’s comparable to me saying I felt like I was running as fast as the Kenyans on TV in the last few meters of the marathon last year…

Finally it was time to pick him up! And here came my happy boy. He was tired that evening…and somehow ended up looking even MORE like his daddy while snuggling in our bed, but he was good.

Lightning McQueen cup = part of the random crap I bought at Target

The next morning brought more stress as I was going to be leaving him with his before/after school caregiver. I am so lucky to have found another autism mom who was willing to watch him and then drop off/pick up both boys together. I was so nervous that first morning, but he just went running into her house smiling. He has made it so easy, and she is an absolute blessing! I seriously pinch myself that all of this is really happening. The school is one thing, but then to find another mother who would not only watch my son but KNOWS autism…you just couldn’t write a better story.

So this week is a week of hope. Of first days that seemed so normal. And of good people making first days and hope possible.