On First Days, Hope, and Good People

And high up above or down below, When you’re too in love to let it go

But if you never try you’ll never know, Just what you’re worth

Light will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try…to fix you

Fix You, Coldplay

There are some who would say “there’s nothing to fix, they are as they are meant to be, love them for who they are”. I accept my son, fully, wholeheartedly, as he is, but I will not accept any limitations for him. So with that in mind, I will try to “fix him” until the day I die. It’s not about changing him, it’s about allowing him access to his potential. It’s about wanting so badly to know what he knows, see what he sees, love what he loves.

“The School” has been a huge part of my proposed treatment plan for Kellen. After over a year on the wait list, several small miracles occurred that led to him starting this semester, and while he’s the youngest there right now, I honestly don’t think he would have been ready for this a year ago…but now, he is SO ready.

I was extremely anxious, nervous, excited, terrified as the days ticked down to his start date. That morning I could barely function. Of course, I wanted Patrick to document the day. I expected frustration and a series of bad pictures. Meanwhile, Kellen found the process somewhat entertaining.

New Shoes

And then of course, I am the typical mother cleaning my son’s nose. No buggers on the first day!

Tristan: “Can you check my nose while you’re at it?”

And then we went to the door to head out, and I wanted to try to get a “first day picture”…you know the ones that all the other moms get. I was certain that this was going to be another one of those reality checks…another “moment” that autism would steal from me because of course he wouldn’t look at the camera and if he did he wouldn’t smile and…and then…and then he did what he does best…surprised the crap out of us. I knelt down next to him, he looked right at the camera and started smiling like crazy, leading to me crying like crazy.

Dropoff went well…I held it together until we got outside without him…then I went to Target and cried into a Starbucks while buying completely random stuff. I counted the minutes until it was time to go pick him up. I managed to distract myself by watching “Honey”. I seem to think I dance just like Jessica Alba in this movie (you know, the one time a year I go dancing now)…but I’m pretty sure that’s comparable to me saying I felt like I was running as fast as the Kenyans on TV in the last few meters of the marathon last year…

Finally it was time to pick him up! And here came my happy boy. He was tired that evening…and somehow ended up looking even MORE like his daddy while snuggling in our bed, but he was good.

Lightning McQueen cup = part of the random crap I bought at Target

The next morning brought more stress as I was going to be leaving him with his before/after school caregiver. I am so lucky to have found another autism mom who was willing to watch him and then drop off/pick up both boys together. I was so nervous that first morning, but he just went running into her house smiling. He has made it so easy, and she is an absolute blessing! I seriously pinch myself that all of this is really happening. The school is one thing, but then to find another mother who would not only watch my son but KNOWS autism…you just couldn’t write a better story.

So this week is a week of hope. Of first days that seemed so normal. And of good people making first days and hope possible.