Survival

It's no secret that this year has had a rough start...the reasons keep multiplying it seems...

But in the thick of the insurance debacle with Kellen, literally hours after the bottom started to drop out...I got a phone call that has changed my thinking, my mindset, my general perception.

I was in a meeting, and got some strange call on my cell phone from a number that was only 5 digits long. I answered it...and to make a long story short, was completely shocked to find out that it was a production assistant from Live with Kelly and Michael. Turns out that they were having a national competition...for Unstoppable Moms...and unbeknownst to me, my cousin Ashley had nominated me. I proceeded to tell this woman my story, which Ashley had already told them...and then later that night I got a chance to talk to Ashley. And here's the thing...as crappy as things were in that week, I told her that what she had done, had meant everything in that moment...she'd done it weeks before...but in a week when I was doubting if I could ever do enough...knowing that she had done this for me, well, it gave me strength...reminded me who I was, gave me focus. And above all it gave me a fun distraction where we joked at work about me needing to slim down the "camera added 15 pounds" LOL! In a week where everything started with "I'm sorry", this was everything I needed.

I didn't win..obviously. LOL! Even though they asked me if I could be in New York last week no one ever called again. But that doesn't change how much what Ashley did meant to me, still means to me. I saw the women nominated...some I was like "Oh please, every mom I know deals with more than that", and others, like the moms in wheelchairs that I saw, I was like "oh I need to suck it up, they truly are inspirations to what we as moms can do". I'll be honest, just tonight I looked up the mom that won. Mother of 4, dairy farmer, with the youngest child a special needs child...far more severe than us autism parents have ever had to deal with. But what struck me with her story was the lack of outreach. She was a terrific mother, a terrific worker for her family, she did everything for her special needs child...but what did she do for all of the other kids like hers, all of the other mothers like her?...and maybe she does focus on that, but the story didn't.

Regardless, the whole process caused a significant bout of self-reflection. From start to finish. I didn't have the easiest life. For those that knew me growing up, maybe it looked pretty...it was all pretty dresses and bows and perfection...but in reality it was restrictions, irrational fears, high expectations, and unbelievably suffocating. My childhood was anything but normal. Somehow I made it out ok...everything is not always as it seems. And through the support of my parents as I hit my teenage years, I got out...and became my own person. I often remark that Larkin is me, but with so much more confidence than I ever had, she's fearless...but others have said that's how they see me now...and I see that maybe that's who I was all along...

A few good friends of mine have said on separate occasions that I'm the strongest person they know. I don't think that will hold true for their lifetimes, but I'm grateful for the sentiment. The whole "unstoppable mom" process has made me reflect quite a bit on what we've been through.

I never thought we'd have a baby. Everything went wrong. I was that pathetic story that no one even wanted to acknowledge anymore because no one knew what to say. When everything finally turned the corner with Larkin, it was a running joke that we'd name her Miracle (pronounced Mira-clay). I still wasn't confident I'd ever get the chance to be a mother...but I had her, and all seemed ok, and then less than 24 hours after I was released she was back in the NICU with a terrible case of jaundice...not the "oh, she has a little jaundice" situation but a "she needs to be admitted immediately" situation. I find it ironic that she was the one that we worried about neurological impairment...she's a freaking genius...not that Kellen isn't...

So imagine...4 years of trying for a baby, then sitting in a NICU praying for all to be ok. Going home to happiness, and then oops...3 months later, you're actually pregnant on your own.

I've yet to meet anyone with kids closer together than mine...seriously if you know someone, send them my way because I would love to meet them. They were already going to be close together. Kellen was conceived 11 weeks post-partum...the first and only time we...well, you know...it was Patrick's first ever Father's Day...and what a gift! And then he shows up 5 weeks early. I'll never forget that morning...blood, fear, and perfect calm. I had already called the doctor before Patrick knew what was going on. I'd later learn I was in full blown labor all the way downtown, but kept calm and in denial telling myself and Patrick that this was just a preterm episode they could stop. Everytime I hear of women screaming in pain in labor, I'm like...did I miss out on something? I didn't yell, didn't panic, didn't cry, didn't throw up, I was just focused on what I needed to do for them. I never cried until they broke my water with Kellen...and told me I was having a preemie. It was a cry of frustration, not of pain. Pain is nothing...seriously, ask me about the physical pain I've been through in various aspects of life (endometrial biopsy "fishing", cutting the cerclage, marathons LOL!). Physical pain is nothing, emotional pain...I've yet to conquer that completely.

But then there we were...perfection...the infertile couple...with one girl, one boy...how? And then everying started to go not so smoothly...and then I knew...and then everyone knew. Freaking autism. Another battle, another war. Well why not...I'm so good at fighting. So yes, I acknowledge every mom that is doing the best they can for their family, for their children...but I have to push and do more. I have to ask what I can do for every mom, for every family, for every kid like Kellen. So I go to work every day. I push for research avenues that I can pursue that will matter. I write this blog so that moms like me will feel less alone. I'm not just a mom this happened to. I'm a mom that will fight and keep on fighting. I will fight insurance companies, I will fight our own companies, I will fight school districts, I will fight the government. My survival instinct takes care of our family of 4, but it will not allow me to forget every other family like ours.

So I fight, because I am able, because I am equipped, because I, with the right fight...I am strong...and unstoppable...and I thank the people that reminded me of that.