If you’re reading this, you know how overprotective I am. If you’re reading this, you know I can get a little crazy when I’m separated from you, or your sister, or your father. Whether you’re reading this or not, I know that you KNOW how much I love you.
I’m getting on a plane on Sunday. Don’t tell your sister,
but I HATE flying (I know that’s a bad word, just humor me). I hate being in
the air, I hate not having control. The one thing I hate most of all is that
right now, as we are, I am terrified that you won’t understand what happened if
the unimaginable happens…I am bawling my eyes out this second thinking about
it.
We spend every day
trying EVERYTHING we can to get you where you need to be. Diets, doctors, therapies,
all of it ISN’T to make you NORMAL (as some so-called autism advocates would
say, and son, I’ll tell you now they are full of poop – see I’m using better
language here). All of
it is so that we can talk to each other. There is no one in this world that
understands you better than I do. Everything I do is so that we can know each other
better, so I can help you be what you WANT to be, so that you can tell me/show
me what you need/want/hate (bad word again). You’re doing a damn good job (oh
just go with the bad language).
I am proud of you EVERY day. You surprise me ALL the time. You,
your sister, your father, you are my reason for being. It is all worth it every
single day. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the crazy, the sane, the…us.
Currently, you’re focused on setting up these elaborate
scenes with no less than 30 parts in any given area of the house…so much so
that I’ve started sweeping around them. Your favorite things right now…books…it’s
awesome. You’ve also discovered stickers…which is also awesome except when you
stick them to the couch… You love Baymax, Transformers, and there is nothing I
love more than to hear you say Optimus Prime. You’ve also started crying at the
appropriate parts of movies (lately, the Transformers movies), and while I don’t
like to see you sad, it is truly wonderful.
You’ve started asking for me when I’m not here (which tears
my heart out right now as I get ready to leave in 36 hours). Your sister loves
to fly (clearly that is your father’s genes). Her birthday is while I HAD to be
gone for this conference, so in a crazy chain of events, she ended up coming
with me. I know that you’ll be in excellent hands with Papa and Nina. I know
that we’ll learn a lot by traveling with Larkin (many days son, you are a much
easier child than your sister, but don’t tell her I said that). I also know
that you would not survive an overseas trip, or even a 3hr flight right now.
But know that we are determined to get there. You will be our guide. I won’t
force you on a plane because WE want to go somewhere. We will wait until you
are ready…and then we will go. Wherever your heart desires. I’ll be honest, once
you’re ready, I actually think you’re going to love flying…you and your sister
both have your father’s fearlessness when it comes to that kind of thing. I’m
seriously going to have to fake it with Larkin on Sunday!
So I’ll leave you with this…you are on the verge of
something. I see it. I feel it. I’m still trying to figure it out. You are
always the leader on our journey. I said recently that my research will be my
love letter to you…I mean that with all my heart. It’s with that thought that I
have to head out to this conference. I’ll buy you way too much stuff, I’ll
annoy you by calling on Facetime too many times, I will completely micro-manage
your food, schedule, clothes, etc. while I’m gone (there’s a really long list
for Papa).But it’s because I love you. It’s all because I love you. Never ever forget that son.
you rock
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