I went to swim lessons once. At Larkin’s age now that I
think about it, just a few days after kindergarten ended. Swim lessons in my
small town consisted of everyone heading to the city pool to be separated based
on age and taught by local high school students. I had a summer birthday, and
this was back in the days when school ended in May, so I was still 5. This
meant that almost all of my friends were in a different group. I can’t remember
if I made it through 1 or 2 days…
I remember blowing bubbles in the water, I remember Ring
Around the Rosie where we were all supposed to go underwater…I cheated and
always kept my nose above the water, sometimes struggling with the person next
to me because they had my hand and they were pulling me down. And then I
remember seeing the other class head over to the diving boards. And I saw one
of my friends panic and decide that he wasn’t ready for diving…and then I saw
them push him off the board anyway, him screaming bloody murder the whole way
down. My grandma saw it, too. I cried and panicked…and that was the end of it.
I never went back to swim lessons…ever in my life.
My friends had pools of course. I would get in, with a
death grip on the side. They’d all try to teach me, to slowly coax me into
trying, but I would always panic, and they would always realize that it just
wasn’t going to happen. So then they’d always have a life jacket waiting for
me, which I could comfortably maneuver in, careful to never let water anywhere
near my face, always checking the buckles on the jacket.
And then we got older and boys started getting in the
pool with us…and then the same story repeated itself endlessly. EVERYONE wanted
to teach me to swim. Inevitably one of the boys would offer oh so sweetly to
help me loosen that death grip on the wall. They’d hold on to me and swear that
there were not going to let go. We’d slowly make it over to the deep end, panic
slowly rising…and then guess what?
They let go.Every. Single. Time.
And then I’d panic, go under, and someone would have to pull a flailing, choking, mess of me out of the pool.
Every. Single. Time.
They all seemed to be under this notion that I really could swim. That if they just put me in a “sink or swim” situation that surely I would swim.
Nope, I sank…over and over and over again.
There was this one boy that tried to teach me to swim. He
even had me putting my head under water for very small periods of time, never
letting go of my hands. He took me to the deep end, but never let go. He was
the only one that never let go. So I married that one!
Patrick has been wonderfully patient with my inability to
swim and irrational fear of water deeper than my waist. I’ve sworn many times
that I was going to learn…but I’ve never followed through, or even set foot in
a pool with intent.
I really meant it when we had the kids. I knew how
important it was going to be for 1) me to be able to swim for their safety and
2) me to not pass on my fear… Larkin’s
asked for swim lessons this summer, and I’ve run out of time. Any day now she’s
going to realize that I really can’t swim (I generally avoid the subject, but
the one time we talked about it last summer, I think she thought we were
joking). And Kellen loves the water. He is completely fearless, and I need to
be able to keep him safe. I need to know that if it came to it, that I could
jump in the water and get him. Because right now if he were in danger, I would
absolutely jump in…but the odds would be good that I’d drown us both…and that
terrifies me.
The idea of me being comfortable in the water is
completely inconceivable. I just don’t understand how it will ever happen. I
don’t even know where to start. I don’t understand how this body that has
failed me in the water my entire life, this supposed innate ability that I was
NOT born with, I don’t understand how all of that is going to float away (get
it…float?). Speaking of, I CAN’T EVEN FLOAT!
Besides doing this for the kids (which is the #1
reason!), I (we) have missed out on a lot of things because of my fear of
water. We leave for Grand Cayman in just over a month. There are amazing things
to see and do there…in the water. I want to do them, but I know me, and I know
that there is a high probability that I will freak out on day 1, refuse to get in
the water again, and ruin the whole trip.
So with Patrick (and everyone else close to me)
encouraging me, I start swim lessons tonight. In precisely 9 hours (and 4
minutes from when I’m typing this)…not that I’m counting. He signed me up for 2
sessions that run back to back…so for the next 4 weeks I will be going 4 days a
week. This is serious. The first two weeks our goal is to get me to “won’t
drown if she falls out of the boat” and “willingly
goes into the water”. The second two weeks…I want to swim . Actually swim. Like
in the deep end. Like in the ocean.
I can’t see how that is going to happen. I can’t swim. I
also can’t say that to myself anymore after 7:14pm this evening. Right now, I
panic. At 7:15, I will commit myself to getting over this fear. I will commit
myself to trying my hardest to do what the instructors ask me to do.
I sit here, and I think about all of the failed attempts
as a child, as a teenager. But I’m not that girl anymore. She was scared (of
EVERYTHING), she was not the least bit athletic, she had a very loud voice at
home telling her that she “can’t”.
I may still be scared, but today, I will not be afraid to
face it head on.
I once lacked confidence in my body, unsure if I was
strong enough, coordinated enough, athletic enough to physically be able to
swim. No one would have ever envisioned that girl running marathons. But she
does.
I once had someone constantly in my ear telling me what I
couldn’t do. Now I have the support of the people that matter most to me
telling me that I WILL do it.
Throughout our lives we are met with few true challenges.
I’m going to embrace how hard this is going to be, how many negative thoughts I’m
going to have to drown out (oops, I said drown), how many tears I am
undoubtedly going to shed.
Because WHEN I do this, they will be proud of me...Patrick
and the kids.
WHEN I do this, there will be one less can’t in my life.WHEN I do this, I will probably get bitten by a shark in Cayman because that’s kind of how things go around here.
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