Trust

Things are changing. I personally feel myself regressing emotionally because I feel the weight of it all bearing down on me so quickly. But change isn't always bad, and if this perfect storm continues to come together, we will all be so much better for it...but we obviously will have a few growing pains along the way.

I go through phases of complete and utter overwhelmedness (did I just create that word?). Thankfully those periods are broken up by what I like to call my "well-adjusted" phases. I need to focus on more of those, even if it's a "fake it till you make it" deal I make with myself on bad days.
In the end, I learned that it all seems to boil down to trust...and faith.

The Man
Patrick made a job change...scratch that, not a job change, a career change. Gone is the soccer coach/teacher and in his place is a white collar corporate instructor. I like the corporate man. So far he's happier, he dresses prettier, and he's home in the evenings. When we get to August and he's home with us every weekend, it's really going to blow our minds. The change scared the crap out of me. But I had to trust him...trust that this would be a positive move for him, trust that this would be good for all of us, trust that this was the path we were meant to be on.

The Girl
Larkin changed schools. I've trusted the same place with my children since they were born, but due to a long story on their poor communication/consideration with Kellen, we were presented with an opportunity to make a change for her. We could get her into an accredited preK with more structure and more educational opportunities. We even took her with us to tour, got her opinion, and she transitioned seamlessly. I had to trust these people to care for her the way I would. I had to trust that she had the strength to make such a big change. And she did...the report on her first day was that she had already taken over the class. I go in there, barely 3 weeks later, and she has new friends hugging her, running to her, flocking to that magnetic energy that she can't help but exude. People joke that she's my mini-me...but this is all Larkin...she has the confidence that I never had growing up.

The Boy
I've slowly realized that our interactions have changed. It's subtle, but it's slowly accumulated into a very different mother-son relationship. I trust him. Some of it was forced, Patrick telling me to let him do things like walk independently from the car to the front door. But the rest has been gradual...trusting that if I tell him to stop, he'll stop. Trusting that if I go into another part of the house that he'll keep playing and just find me if he needs me. Trusting that he won't hop the gate at the top of the stairs, or climb up his chest of drawers, or play in the toilet...at least no more likely than the average 3-year old. I've even seen healthy fear...of heat, of stairs, of water too deep. It's all so....normal. So I find myself developing a more trustful and natural interaction with him than I ever expected this young. Mind you, his tattle-tale sister helps along the trust front, but still...it's a positive change.

The Doctor
This needs a complete series of posts, maybe even a dissertation, but the short story is that we've begun to work with a new doctor. He's a pediatrician, but he has a special interest in autism. I met him as a scientist, and so we've been able to have our discussions at a different level. I think I was sold during our first office visit, when he got down on the floor with Kellen, and Kellen went to sit in his lap. We're embarking on a completely new path with him. I continue with my ideal of pursuing evidence-based medicine in my n = 1 study. We had some theories...and we've had some data come back recently that suggest he fits the "autism mold" we were looking to find. I'm terrified, I'm excited, and I have to trust that this will be worth it...and I have to have faith that this could and will matter...and maybe even matter to more than just our KK.

The School
I find myself writing a lot of big checks lately. Again, this is something that will deserve it's own line of blog posts, but to summarize, we're moving Kellen to a full-time ABA program (an "autism school") in the fall. For those out of the loop, this is the big leagues, the "throw everything at them all day long sink or swim" mentality. The general idea is that the younger they are, the more rapid progress they can make. We've been on the wait list for over a year...and now we've been given a start date. We have such high hopes...so much so that it sends me into a panic just thinking about starting. And then the financial bill attached to that hope is enough to send you puking in the toilet.

Me
Well you see this is where it all starts to fall apart...because none of this will work without trust in myself. Trust that I won't literally fall apart the first time that Patrick has to take an overseas work trip. Trust that I won't throw it all out the window (drugs, supplements, therapy?) the first time Kellen has a setback. Trust that I can continue to function effectively in the sea of constant change. Trust that all the hard moments won't keep me from seeing (and appreciating) all the amazingly wonderful awe-inspiring moments.

Trust and faith...that we are right where we are supposed to be...and that it will all be worth it in the end.