So I'd say the freakout started about 6 months ago when I was told I was needed at this conference...in Paris. Me, who got my first passport last summer for the purpose of going to TORONTO (does Canada really even qualify as another country?). Mom heard the worst of it, and then quickly said that she would cover whatever the kids needed and that I needed to go. I appealed to Patrick but unfortunately got the same response "You have to go!" He had been to Paris about 3 months before we met (many years ago), and hated it, so he basically said this was my only chance. This was still not motivation to get on a plane for that long...nor was it sufficient motivation for me to leave the kids for that long.
My fundamental problem was one that few moms deal with. I could get over the flight anxiety, I could get over missing my kids, missing Patrick, I could get over being in a strange land where I did not know the language. What I could not get past was trying to leave my son when I had no way of explaining to him that I was going to be "missing" but that damnit I would absolutely come back (and then the evil voices in my head would start talking about worst case scenarios and what if I didn't come back). How do you explain that to a pre-verbal autistic child? Our awesome teacher made us a book...that explained that I was going on an airplane, that he would stay with Nina and Papa, that Larkin would be with him, and that the end of the story was that I would come back. I hoped so badly that he knew that...that I would come back...
I was basically a mess the days leading up to the trip. The day before I was to fly out, I even took Larkin with me to work. She was awesome, had the best time. Turns out the scientist's white board is extremely impressive to an almost 4-year old. Tie that in with a lunch trip to McDonald's, and maybe I have her on board to pursue a career in science. The best part of the day was when we were walking to the lunchroom to say goodbye to everyone. Right after someone commented on how tall she was (her Daddy's genes) she fell face first over her own feet (to which Jennifer said was attributed to her Mama's genes...so true)...she really is a combination of the two of us ; )
That afternoon, I tried to get myself ready...got my hair done, got my nails done...in this appropriate color ; )
I lost it several times that afternoon to which Larkin's response while smiling was "Mama, why are you crying like a baby?"
I was a mess, I fully admit it. The next morning I tried my best to hold it together and failed miserably. I managed to pack the kids and get them on their way with Patrick...and then sat there for at least 15 minutes and did the ugly cry. I was absolutely terrified that something was going to happen to me over the next 8 days. What would happen to the 3 of them (notice I've included Patrick with the kids...), how would they ever explain to Kellen that I wanted to come back, how would their world's keep moving? I was mortified...so I cried...then I couldn't stop crying...so I went for a run (while crying), then took a shower (while crying) and finally got dressed.
I had all my bags downstairs...waiting for the car to pick me up...I'd still be waiting. Turns out that no one "picked up the ticket", so there was no one to come get me. I am thankful for Patrick's quick thinking and for Lauren and Aaron for coming to take me to the airport at the last minute...God that was stressful.
When all was said and done, I made it to the airport in time for Jennifer and I to sit down to a meal (and for me to have 2 glasses of wine). I thought I was doing pretty good...and then my phone stopped working while on the plane...I freaked out about not being able to call Patrick and the kids, then finally it started working, Patrick answered and asked me if I'd had wine, to which I answered tearfully "I think I undershot it!" He agreed and urged me to just hang on until the drink cart came through the first time. I pulled myself together, turned off my phone, and tried to convince Jennifer that I was not a complete disaster.
Notice I have cried off all remnants of make-up....
We pulled away from the gate, and I told her that the next 10-15 minutes were going to be the worst for me, I hated taxiing and the waiting, and OMG! they accelerated out of nowhere and I had just enough time to bless myself and get my hands on my necklace (the one I wear with the kids' names on them) before we were airborne!
I come from a very small town (most of you know that), the idea of going to Europe is a little out there for most. I had completely taken this opportunity for granted. The fact that my parents, my grandparents, had never gotten to do this...and that maybe they'd wanted to...and that maybe someday Larkin would want to and I could say "Well, the last time I was here...". So for everyone that wanted to but couldn't, and for my kids who maybe someday would, I vowed to make the most of it...and I think I did a pretty good job...to be continued ; )
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