It Changes Everything... and It Changes Nothing

So many of you have been wondering what’s going on with us, and a few of you know already, so I’m just going to spit it out…

Last week, Kellen was officially diagnosed with autism.
Ah yes, there’s the frog in my throat I’ve been expecting...I’m still waiting on the big breakdown but it hasn’t shown up yet. I guess I’m still processing it really, we all are. We have a long road ahead of us though, and I can’t help but think that our infertility journey prepared us in many ways for this new struggle. Once upon a time, a blog was my outlet, my unfiltered venting place…and I think I’d be well served to do that again. Because what good is the struggle if it can’t help others who are dealing with the same.

So be forewarned that you’re about to be subjected to more than you ever wanted to know about autism.

A few random thoughts before I start future posts on the details of the autism diagnosis process (hint: it’s LONG!)….

• I’ve “known” for about a year. I remember that feeling of dread really settling in last July on vacation…and that feeling never went away. Everyone (including doctors) tried to explain it away as being a boy, second born, having a chatty older sister, etc. They were wrong and this was one of the few instances in life that I regretted being right.


• I feel like Larkin knows. She translates for him regularly, she looks out for him, she gives him his space. I know that through this process she is going to be his (and OUR) greatest teacher.


• We are united as a family. Just as the miscarriages drove Patrick and me closer together, this has done the same. By leaning on each other, we will get through this.


• We did not get the worst aspects of autism. He’s not talking, that’s concern number one. But physically…watch out. He’s advanced…case in point, yesterday he stood on top of his bouncing zebra and proceeded to start to let go and stand up completely while balancing (think circus act), none of us could do that!


• I love my son, and thankfully I know he loves me. So many of the heart-breaking stories I hear related to autism are tied to the children that don’t show emotion, mothers who don’t get hugs or snuggles or kisses. I am VERY lucky. My KK hugs me daily, runs to me when he sees me, gives me kisses every night, grabs me by the hand and takes me over to share a bowl of popcorn. I am beyond grateful for this.

So here we go. We have a lot to learn, a lot of decisions to make, a lot of planning to do. One step at a time. He is technically in the mild to moderate range with the expectations that he could do very well with the right interventions since the diagnosis was made so early, prognosis improves exponentially if we can get him to talk. So we have work to do…and we will do everything we can for him. I don’t know how to fail, I refuse to do it…and I will not fail him.

The diagnosis will require a lot of fundamental changes in the way we do things, the way we approach learning with him, the way we approach life in general...but in the end, he’s still that athletic, loving, hilarious wild boy that everyone loves.

In the end…it changes everything…but it changes nothing.